


writing our sad ending with shaking hands

by UchiHime



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Hopeful Ending, Break Up, Getting Back Together, M/M, Polyamory, Song Inspired, background 2minsung
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-26
Updated: 2020-09-26
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:41:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,902
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26666881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UchiHime/pseuds/UchiHime
Summary: Changbin does not want to be jealous, but he can't stand the way Chan looks at Felix when Felix ishisboyfriend.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Lee Felix, Lee Felix/Seo Changbin, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 7
Kudos: 144





	writing our sad ending with shaking hands

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by Michin Nom (Ex) being a "we broke up and i regret it song" also inspired by Felix playing "break my heart again" during his birthday live.
> 
> thank you HiraethSatisfied for betaing this even though it kept breaking your heart.

_ writing our sad ending with shaking hands _

Changbin had never thought he would be the jealous boyfriend type. He didn’t know much about dating, but he did know that jealousy meant either you didn’t trust your partner or you didn’t see them as an intelligent being capable of making their own choices.

Changbin would never be the type to look suspiciously at his partner’s every action, constantly searching for signs of infidelity, ready to fire anger and accusations at any second. He wouldn’t be the type to judge his partner’s friendships and interactions with people outside their relationship, making unreasonable demands about how his partner should act with certain people or who they should share their affections with.

Relationships don’t last without trust, and jealousy allowed no room for trust, so jealousy did not belong in relationships.

The thing was, as a whole, Stray Kids were a pretty affectionate group. They all shared skinship easily without restraints, but Felix more than any of them craved physical affection. Hugs and cuddles were his lifeblood. Back hugs and sleepy nuzzling and hand holding—Felix gave it all freely.

Felix was Stray Kids’ sunshine. Their happy pill. He brought joy and smiles to everyone and all he asked for in return was snuggles, so no one would dare deny him something they’d do for him anyway.

The entire group was at least half in love with Felix, and who could blame them? Loving Felix was the easiest thing in the world to do. Between his smile that could brighten anyone’s day, his kind and giving heart, his silly humor, what was there not to love?

But of all the hearts yearning for Felix, Changbin was the lucky one who was loved in return. Sure, Felix loved everyone, but he  _ loved _ Changbin. Of all of them, Changbin was the one lucky enough to call Felix his boyfriend.

Changbin loved Felix and Felix loved him and Changbin was secure in their love. And because he was secure in their love, he didn’t get jealous when Felix curled up in Jeongin’s arms during movie nights, or when Felix fell asleep hugging Hyunjin, or when he let Jisung pepper his face with kisses, or played with Minho’s fingers, or wrapped himself around Seungmin. 

Changbin never accused Felix of cheating on him, never asked him to stop being affectionate with others; feeling anything other than soft, warm happiness over these little interactions never occurred to him.

Everyone was at least half in love with Felix, but Felix had chosen Changbin.

The problem is, Bang Chan was more than just half in love with Felix. Chan looked at Felix like he was the most beautiful person in the universe, like all the stars in the sky couldn’t compare to the freckles on his cheeks, like the sun only rose because he smiled, like his laugh made flowers bloom, like there were entire galaxies in his eyes.

Chan looked at Felix like he was amazed by his very existence and Changbin knew Chan was in love with Felix because Changbin looked at Felix in this exact same way.

It wasn’t like this was Felix’s fault. Felix wasn’t out there purposefully seducing people. Felix wasn’t doing anything but being himself. But himself was someone people couldn’t help but love. Changbin didn’t blame him and he didn’t want to change him. 

And he didn’t really blame Chan either, because you can’t help how you feel, but there were only so many times he could watch Chan turn all blushy and shy at just the mention of Felix’s name. There were only so many times he could listen to Chan confess his love to Felix for all the world to hear, but try to hide it with the word “brother.”

There was this special bond between Chan and Felix that was incomparable to any bond between all the other members. And the simple fact of the matter was that Changbin was jealous.

As much as he loved and trusted Felix, he couldn’t help how he felt and he felt jealous. He hated that he felt this way, and he didn’t want to burden Felix with his stupid feelings, so he pulled away.

It was easy to lock himself in the studio and cancel plans with the excuse that he was busy. Sure, previously he’d always made time for Felix, but there was no denying that there was no shortage of work that needed to be done, especially for 3RACHA. While this made it easy to avoid Felix, it made it much harder to avoid Chan.

Chan was a good leader. And as a good leader should be, he was always aware of his members and if there was something going on with them. It didn’t take long for him to confront Changbin.

“Did I do something wrong?” Chan asked after the two of them had been sitting silently in the studio for much longer than any of them ever sat silently before.

“What?” Changbin asked, voice wavering over the word and refusing to look up and meet Chan’s eyes.

“You’ve been avoiding me. Did I do something?”

“Nothing you can help,” Changbin admitted.

“So I did do something, though?”

Changbin pulled his lower lip between his teeth as he thought about how to respond.

“Changbin, if I’ve upset you in some way, I’d like to know.”

“I just don’t like that you’re in love with my boyfriend, okay,” Changbin admitted before he could think the better of it.

Chan froze, mouth dropping open in surprise. “I…” 

“Like I said, it’s not something you can help, but I don’t like it.”

Chan frowned. “I’m sorry.”

Changbin made a noncommittal noise in response. “Not really your fault, is it?”

“Well, it’s not Felix’s fault either.”

“I never said it was.”

“But you’ve been avoiding him, too. He thinks you’re mad at him.”

“It’s more that I’m mad at myself. I don’t like feeling jealous. I don’t want to upset him with my jealousy, so I…”

“You decided to upset him with your absence instead?”

“It wasn’t the best plan, I know. It’s just, whenever I see you looking at him, it pisses me off. And whenever he says your name, it pisses me off. I know I’m being stupid, but…”

Chan sighed. “I didn’t realize I was being so obvious about my feelings.”

“I’m pretty sure the only person who hasn’t noticed how in love with him you are is Felix.”

“Uh…” Chan blushed and looked away from Changbin. “Felix knows how I feel about him. I told him.”

Changbin went from shocked to angry in under a second. “You confessed to my boyfriend?!”

“I wouldn’t exactly call it a confession…”

“You told my boyfriend that you’re in love with him. How is that not a confession?”

“Because I never intended anything to come of it. I wasn’t trying to steal him from you or anything. I just… I don’t have any secrets from Felix, okay. I tell him everything. He knew I was hiding something, and it was hurting him, so I told him.”

The problem was, the fact that this is the first Changbin had heard about Chan’s confession meant that Felix did keep secrets from Changbin, and that hurt.

“You really think it’s okay to confess to someone you know is in a relationship?” Changbin asked, anger concealing the hurt in his voice.

“It’s not like I kissed him or anything,” Chan said defensively. “It was just a conversation.”

“Well, what did he say?”

“What?”

“What did he say?” Changbin repeated. “When you confessed to my boyfriend, what was his response?”

Chan sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “Changbin, you know neither Felix or I would ever do anything to hurt you.”

“That doesn’t answer my question. What did he say?”

Chan sighed again. “He said that he loves you.”

“Then why didn’t he tell me about this?” The question slipped out before Changbin could think to hold it back, his voice shaking with pain he could barely contain. 

“Binnie…”

Changbin cut Chan’s words off with a raised palm. “I can’t do this right now,” he said. 

He stood and walked out of the room.

-

Changbin aimlessly walked the streets of Seoul for a long time, trying to process his emotions into something that made sense, trying to feel something other than anger and a strange sense of helplessness. He felt as though his soul was a box of sharp objects meant to hurt him every time he so much as breathed.

What did it mean that Felix hadn’t told him about Chan’s confession? What did it mean that Chan and Felix kept no secrets from each other, but Felix was evidently fine with keeping secrets from Changbin? What did it mean that after Chan’s confession, his and Felix’s relationship stayed the same? If someone had feelings for you and you wanted them to stop, shouldn’t you pull away? Wouldn’t that be better for both of you? So why did it seem that Chan and Felix had grown closer recently instead?

By the time Changbin silenced his thoughts and got a hold of himself enough to return to the dorms, all he felt was numbness.

When he entered the dorm, he was greeted only by silence, something uncommon in a place that housed eight energetic boys. Stepping into the living room, he found Felix sitting on the floor in front of the couch, his face buried in his arms wrapped around his knees drawn up to his chest.

He looked small, but Changbin felt smaller.

“Felix,” Changbin greeted, his voice flat.

“Hyung,” Felix greeted in turn, the smile he usually reserved for Changbin nowhere in sight.

“Where is everybody?” Changbin asked, stepping around the coffee table to take a seat in the arm chair.

“They all left. Channie-hyung is taking them out for food.”

Changbin’s jaw clenched at the mention of Chan’s name, but he forced himself to relax. He supposed he should be grateful for Chan emptying the dorm so that he and Felix could have this conversation.

Neither of them speak for a minute, the silence broken only by the audible ticking of the clock on the wall.

Finally, unable to bear it any longer, Changbin asked, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because I didn’t want to hurt you,” Felix said, voice barely more than a whisper. He looked towards Changbin with sadness in his eyes, then cast his gaze back down and curled into himself smaller. “Changbin-hyung, I love you. I’ve loved you for a long time and I would gladly spend the rest of my life loving you. But, when Chan… when he confessed to me, I was forced to admit something I didn’t want to acknowledge. As much as I love you, I love him, too.”

Changbin didn’t know how to respond. He felt as though his heart had stopped beating in his chest.

“I thought it must mean I didn’t love you enough,” Felix continued. “It’s not supposed to be possible to be in love with two people at the same time, so obviously I didn’t love you enough, but… I couldn’t think of a way I could possibly love you any more than I already do. I love you with every piece of me. But every piece of me loves him, too.”

Changbin wanted to tell him to stop talking. Every word he said just hurt more. But he could not squeeze a sound past the spikes in his throat.

“I never want to hurt you. I never want to lose you. So, that’s what I told Chan. I told him that I love you more than anything, so even if I do have feelings for him, nothing could come of it.”

-

They broke up.

Changbin listened to everything Felix had to say and then told him he thinks it’ll be better if they’re not together anymore.

“But why?” Felix asked, tears pooling in his eyes.

“I can’t just stand around waiting for the day you decide you love him more.”

“But I chose you,” Felix said, the tears now spilling down his cheeks. “Yes, I love him, but I chose  _ you. _ ”

“For now. But what’s stopping you from changing your mind later? I can’t spend the rest of my life waking up every morning and wondering if this will be the day you walk away? Will today be the day you decide you’d prefer to be with him?”

“I told you that won’t happen. I told you I want to be with you. Why can’t you just believe me?”

_ Why can’t you just love me alone _ , Changbin wanted to ask, but he held it back, not wanting to make things worse than they already were.

“This is better for both of us,” he said instead. 

Changbin doubted that, for as long as he lived, he’d ever get the image of Felix’s crying face out of his mind.

“This is just an excuse, isn’t it? You were already pulling away before this, waiting for me to hand you a reason to end things. Just say you don’t love me anymore, hyung. That would be easier.”

Changbin could not say those words. Every piece of him still very much loved Lee Felix and he would not lie to him. All he said was, “I’m sorry.”

-

-

Things were awkward for a bit.

Of course things would be awkward when you go through a break up but still have to live and work with your ex. In an ideal world, they would have taken a few days to process the change in their relationship, and then they would have worked towards being friends again, but that’s not how it works in reality.

He and Felix were still roommates in the dorm, but Felix didn’t sleep in his own bed for two weeks after they broke up. Changbin had just assumed he would be with Chan, but according to Hyunjin, Felix stayed late at the company practicing until he could barely move, then dragged himself back to the dorm and curled up in bed with Seungmin.

The whole group knew that the two of them had broken up, but only Chan had any idea as to the reason. 

The members tried not to take sides; a couple breaking up could not break the group. They all had to live and work together and show a unified face to the public. Since it wasn’t a loud, messy break up, there was no clear direction in which to lay blame. Some members were naturally closer to others, like Seungmin and Felix or Hyunjin and Changbin, and they were naturally drawn to comfort one over the other, but that didn’t mean they were taking sides. Their break up didn’t become a dividing line in the house.

After a couple weeks, when Felix did start sleeping in his own bed again, it was strange. There were a lot of late nights spent in silence, listening to each other breathe with an unfamiliar distance between them.

The two of them had been dating since almost the very beginning. They were a couple before Stray Kids even officially debuted. So much of what they were to each other was based around them being boyfriends. Now, they had to learn what it meant to be together without being with each other, to navigate their way through this strange new reality of two people who had once been everything to each other, now barely being able to look at each other without their hearts breaking.

Boundaries that had never existed before suddenly became brick walls between them. Things they’d done so naturally before, now came with hesitations and uncertainty. But, they do eventually become something like friends again. Felix is too kind and loving to ever hold a grudge and too much himself for Changbin to ever not love.

The thing is, Changbin hadn’t expected it to hurt like this.

He had been the one to break up with Felix. He’d ended things on his own terms in order to avoid this pain, and yet he still hurt. 

_ After we said goodbye, I was left in pain.  _ Changbin scribbled between the pages of a notebook. _ I left you, so why am I the one hurting? _

-

“Are we cool?” Chan asked. 

It was a weekday and they were the only two people in the dorms, everyone else gone either to school or the company. 

Changbin had been sitting at the kitchen table, trying to process his too many emotions the best way he knew how: pages of lyrics, scratched out and scribbled over, as much of a mess as he was feeling inside.  _ You’re so far away, I can’t even reach you anymore. I live in this neverending pain everyday. _ He hadn’t even noticed Chan enter the kitchen until he’d spoken.

Changbin looked up at him with a frown. “What do you mean? Of course we’re cool.” He knew where the question came from. It was just over a month after the break up and Chan and Felix had officially started dating. Changbin was more surprised that it had taken this long. And well, he hadn’t had the best reaction at first. 

He’d been standoffish and rude, showing the kind of mood that usually sent the ‘00 liners running to their rooms to avoid his wrath. He’d been angry, but only because he was hurt. But he’d worked through his pain and was better now. 

And he was genuinely happy for Chan and Felix.

He didn’t blame Chan for his and Felix ending their relationship. He didn’t blame Felix, either. Neither of them could help how they felt. If Changbin was to blame anyone for the break up, he would blame himself, not just because it had been his decision, but because if he’d been a stronger person, it never would have happened. 

Chan looked at Changbin with a curious tilt of his head. “You’re allowed to be angry at me.”

“I’m not angry,” Changbin said.

Chan frowned and crossed his arms, not intimidatingly but in a way that made him appear smaller. “Okay, good then. I just want to be sure that there’s no hard feelings between us. You’re one of my best friends, Changbin. I don’t want to lose that. And I’m not just saying that because I don’t want problems in 3RACHA and Stray Kids. I don’t want problems with Chan and Changbin. I care a hell of a lot about you.”

“I care about you, too,” Changbin said softly. “You’re also my best friend and I don’t want to lose that either. I’m not going to lie and say I’m 100% okay with things, but I’ll get over it. And I am happy for you. Both of you. So yeah, hyung, we’re cool.”

Chan flashed a dimpled smile and made his way across the kitchen to stand next to Changbin. “I’m glad,” he said. “I was going to offer to let you hit me if that would make you feel better, but with the way you’ve been packing on muscles, that was a very scary thought.”

“I wouldn’t hit you.” 

“I know,” Chan replied with another dimpled smile. He draped himself over Changbin’s back and peered over his shoulder. “What are you working on?”

Changbin looked down at the messy array of lyrics written on the papers in front of him with a frown.  _ I’m pretending to be okay, but I can’t lie. I miss you and it makes me regret what I’ve done.  _ He quickly gathered the loose pages and flipped them over so Chan couldn’t read them. “Nothing solid right now. Maybe I’ll show you later.”

“Alright. Well you know I’m always here to bounce ideas off of if you want.” Chan squeezed him in a quick back hug, then stepped back. “We should get lunch!” he declared suddenly. “C’mon. My treat.”

-

-

Lunch with Chan became a regular thing. A couple times a week, whenever the two of them had a spare moment, they went out to grab a bite together. 

It was nice.

They had very little down time, as there was always something they needed to be preparing for, and Chan spent most of what downtime he did get with Felix, so the fact that he always managed to carve out time for Changbin made him feel special. It felt like the two of them had become closer.

Changbin and Felix also started spending time together again, which was as nice as it was painful. After they got past the post-breakup awkwardness, they fell back into their old comfortable familiarity and it was almost like they’d never broken up. Felix, still his usual cuddly self, would sometimes curl up in Changbin’s arms and he fit there so perfectly, it was like he was made to be holding him. 

Changbin quickly realized that there may never be a time when he was no longer in love with Lee Felix. 

_ In the midst of everything that’s over, I search for you. I want to hold you, but all I can think of is your tears. _

-

-

“Just once,” Hyunjin grumbled from inside his blanket burrito at one end of the couch, where he was using Chan’s laptop to watch Netflix on Changbin’s account. “Just once, I’d like to see a love triangle resolve with the protagonist choosing both.”

Changbin looked up, startled. Hyunjin had demanded best friend time, but Changbin had no interest in the drama he was currently watching, so he’d been sitting at the other end of the couch fiddling with pages of lyrics he just couldn’t get quite right.  _ I guess I didn’t know back then, in this space without you I can hardly breathe. I don’t even know why I did that. _

“What?”

“I’m just saying, why must it always be one or the other?” Hyunjin huffed. “Just choose both and everyone’s happy.”

“Because relationships don’t work like that?” Changbin responded in confusion. 

“Excuse you,” Hyunjin said, tone mildly offended, “polyamorous relationships work just fine as long as everyone communicates properly.”

“Poly what?”

Hyunjin paused his show and turned to look at Changbin in confusion. “Polyamory,” he said slowly. “You know, one person dating multiple people with everyone’s knowledge and consent? Or multiple people all dating each other?”

“Dating multiple people? At the same time? That’s not allowed.”

“Says who? As long as you’re not sneaking around behind someone’s back and there’s open and honest communication, what’s the problem?”

“That’s not allowed,” Changbin repeated, less sure of himself. “A relationship is two people.”

Hyunjin rolled his eyes. “Well, I’ll let you be the one to tell Minho-hyung that.”

“Tell me what?” a voice called from behind them.

Hyunjin shrieked and fell off the couch. “Don’t sneak up on me like that!”

Minho rolled his eyes at the dramatics. “I heard my name?”

“And like the devil you appeared,” Hyunjin grumbled, untangling himself from his blankets and pulling himself back up onto the couch.

Minho raised a single eyebrow and Hyunjin immediately bowed in apology. 

“Changbin-hyung said relationships can only be two people and anything more than that is not allowed,” Hyunjin said quickly, as if to throw Minho’s attention off himself.

Minho turned slowly towards Changbin, head tilted like a confused cat. His eyes flicked towards the ceiling as they often did when he was thinking hard about something. “I’m going to kill Jisung,” he stated suddenly.

“What?!” Changbin exclaimed in confusion.

“He lost rock-paper-scissors, so he was the one who was supposed to explain this to you,” Minho said, then turned and yelled, “Han Jisung!”

“He left with Innie a while ago,” Hyunjin said.

Minho sighed deeply, then walked around the couch and sat down between Changbin and Hyunjin. Matter-of-factly, he turned to Changbin and said, “So basically I’m dating Jisung and Seungmin.”

Changbin opened his mouth to speak, but was silenced by Minho raising his palm.

“I’m not cheating on either of them. I realized I had feelings for both of them, I told them that I wouldn’t choose between them, that I didn’t see a reason why I should have to choose since I was obviously capable of loving them both equally, and we talked it out like mature adults who aren’t too afraid of their own feelings to see reason.”

“Han would have told me if he had two boyfriends.” For some reason that was the one of Changbin’s million thoughts that decided to slip out. He just couldn’t quite believe what he was hearing. 

“Han doesn’t have two boyfriends,” Minho stated, “ _ I _ have two boyfriends, Han just has me. We’re a V-shaped poly relationship, meaning I’m dating the two of them, but the two of them aren’t dating each other. They do occasionally hang out to bitch about me together, but they’re not boyfriends.”

“So you’re an open relationship?” Changbin asked, still trying to wrap his mind around the concept.

“Absolutely not,” Minho said, almost offended. “We are an exclusive poly relationship. An open relationship means that members are free to sleep around and hook up with whoever they want, so that’s not the same as poly. Communication and consent is what distinguishes a polyamourous relationship from being just some asshole cheating on their partner, and communication and consent is what is needed before we add anyone new to our relationship.”

“So, what, they’re just sharing you? Is there like a calendar of who gets to be with you when? Like Han gets you Monday, Wednesday, and Friday this week with alternating weekends and holidays?”

“Don’t be an asshole.” Minho said cooly with a sharp glint in his eye that reminded Changbin just why Hyunjin was so afraid of their hyung. “Listen, I know this just shook your worldview or whatever, but it’s not that complicated. The important part is that I love them both and I wanted to be with them both, so we figured out a way to make it work instead of just breaking our own hearts.” 

There was a hint of judgement and accusation in the last part. Changbin felt suddenly sick.

After a moment of silence, Minho patted Changbin on the knee and stood up. “Alright, good talk. I’ll have Seungmin send you some reading material or something.” 

He walked out the room without another word, leaving Changbin to wrestle with too many thoughts and questions.

-

-

“Hyung,” Changbin called from the doorway of the studio.

Chan looked up at him with tired eyes that immediately lit up at the sight of Changbin, crinkling in the corners as he flashed a dimpled smile that made Changbin’s heart stutter in his chest. “Changbin, hey! What are you doing up this late?”

Changbin hadn’t even noticed how late it was. He’d spent the evening reading over everything Seungmin had sent him about polyamory and processing this sudden shift in his worldview. He suddenly felt shy in a way he’s never been around Chan before. 

“I… could you look over some lyrics for me?” he asked, thrusting his notebook towards Chan.

Chan smiled wider. “Of course, what have you got?”

“It’s not much,” Changbin said, taking hesitant steps across the room to pass the notebook to Chan.

Chan had his serious face on as soon as the notebook was in his hands, his eyes fixed on the page as he carefully took in every word. Changbin could only stand awkwardly at his side, trying not to think too hard about what he’d written and how vulnerable it made him feel.  _ Curse me for it, it’s fine. Curse me all you want. Until your hatred for me turns into anger. So that you would relieve your anger and we can be together again. _

Chan sat there staring at the page for much longer than it would take him to read it just once. Changbin felt his heart beating faster with each passing second, wondering if maybe he was making a mistake.

Finally, Chan set the notebook down on the table and turned to look at Changbin. “It needs a second verse.” 

“I was struggling with that,” Changbin admitted.

Chan hummed a noncommittal noise in response and grabbed a pen. “What changed?” he asked casually as he flipped to an empty page in the notebook and began writing.

“I had a couple conversations that pulled my head out of my ass,” Changbin said, blushing faintly.

“Have you talked to Felix?” Chan asked, pen steadily moving across the page.

“I was hoping we could do that together, so there’ll be no misunderstanding.”

Chan paused writing and looked up at Changbin. There was seriousness in his eyes and a heaviness behind his words when he asked, “Changbin, you know I love you, right?”

Changbin’s mouth went dry and he had to lick his lips before he could speak. “Yeah, I know. I love you, too. That’s why it should be all three of us.”

Chan held Changbin pinned in place with his eyes from a long moment, then gave a nod of finality and turned back to the notebook. “Did you have a name in mind for this?” he asked, his pen once more moving across the page.

“Umm, yeah.” Changbin blushed. “ _ Crazy Guy _ .”

Chan let out a startled bark of laughter. “ _ Crazy Guy _ ? Are you crazy?”

_ I must have been crazy back then. Me without you? I can’t go on, because you’re all I have, after all. I was out of my mind for a moment. _

**Author's Note:**

> title and all song quotes within the fic are from michin nom, as translated in the subs on the official mv. i know there's other translations around, but the mv subs are about as official as we're gonna get so...
> 
> Thanks for reading. Please comment. Stream Back Door. Let's get them another win!


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